You know, not too many weeks ago I was told by someone who was newly pregnant that she won't be thinking negatively about the pregnancy, because she knew nothing would go wrong. In saying this, she compared (not outwardly or even intentionally) my feelings toward my pregnancy as wrong, unnecessary and that if there was going to be a bad outcome it would essentially be because of the detatchment and
realistic (not negative by any means, bad past experiences open your eyes to a new way of seeing - not everything goes your way. It has and COULD happen again.) way that I was approaching the situation. Basically, if I assumed the worst -- thats what I was going to get. That's absolutely ludicrous, in my opinion. It was my way of coping. Of preparing myself for a possible (and obviously true) outcome.
For many years now when I've had a bad feeling or felt a certain way people have told me to let it go, it won't happen, you're just worried. But the whole time in my mind, I knew. I always knew. I don't want to, when something bad does happen, be like, "See, told ya so.", because who in their right mind wants to be gleeful over something awful? But, from now on, when my heart and mind are telling me, "this isn't right" and I decide to confide in you about it; don't just shrug it off as my being paranoid. This is to no one in particular (though Garrett was the worst about it, I knowwww he was trying to make me feeling better, but now he knows when I know what I know, don't try to be positive without a reason to be, realistic is the way I am and the way I need him to be, at times.)
But, back to my point, this particular person said these things to me, and then I lost my baby. Should I feel thats MY fault? No way. I would be opening a whole other can of worms to bury myself under. Then, sadly, she lost her baby too. Nature doesn't care who you are or how you approach any situation. Disgustingly optimistic or horrifically pessimistic, or sadly realisistic. Nature doesn't care how much money you have, how much love you have to give. But, what I do know that even though I was realistic about it from the beginning, nothing on this planet could have prepared me for the feelings that I felt, and those that still sting.
Its been two weeks and two days. I'm dealing. I feel guilty for my caffeinated coffee, for my wine. I can have my wisdom teeth out without having to worry about the medications. I have momentary lapses of heavy feelings, but I'm doing - okay. In my journey through miscarriage and other pregnancy complications (i.e. my ectopic) I have heard numerous acts of "consolation" that have done nothing but piss me off and hurt my feelings more. Sometimes I think, no, I KNOW, people do not think before they speak. Either that or they just don't know WHAT to say.
These can be misconstrued and well, just don't say them.
1.
"Well, they weren't really babies" or
"At least it was early on."I had one girl say to me, "Well, to make you feel better, they weren't really babies that early on, more like a mass of cells, like a cyst." Its hurtful and pretty much negating everything that I am feeling. Sure losing a baby early isn't the same as a stillborn in the second or third trimester, but it still hurts and don't try to act like my feelings are irrational.10 fingers and 10 toes tells me differently.
2.
Don't make my grief YOUR grief, and don't change my pain into your story.
Just don't.
3. Don't say,
"Make the doctor find out what is wrong with you."
Yes, how eloquently spoken. The insensitive person who said the first comment also said the second. Please, for the sake of humanity and people's feelings, THINK before you speak.
5. "
Be thankful for the child you have."
I am grateful and appreciate the little miracle I have sleeping the next room over. Does that mean I can't want more children? This usually comes from people who have multiple kids. Does this make them greedy also??
6. Don't tell me,
"Maybe you should give your body a rest."
What this says to me, and I know its not the intended meaning, "If you would just wait and give your body time, you wouldn't keep losing babies." i.e "Its your fault." I did everything the dr told me to do. You are not my dr, you don't know, and really, you don't know what I've done. Now, emotionally, yes, my emotions need a break, or I'm going to have a break down.
7.
"I'm sure its harder losing babies that you were trying to have."
Uh, what? So, if my baby was an "oopsie" I just wouldn't care as much?
8.
"Everything will be fine next time."
Enough said.
9.
"You can always have another!"Babies are not replaceable -- and you don't know that.
10.
"Everything happens for a reason" or "It just wasn't meant to be."Sorry, but that is bullshit and that it NOT helpful to me or to anyone who has gone through heartbreaking things. Not to mention, its nice, and cliche, but I don't believe it. The God I believe it doesn't want to hurt us, doesn't teach us through hurting and taking things away from us. Why would I want to praise someone who deliberately hurts us to "bring us closer to Him"? What in the world could I learn from this?
Reminds me of a line from Bruce Almighty, "You know everything happens for a reason." "That is a cliche, that is not helpful to me.. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush. God is a mean kid sitting on a anthill and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in 5 minutes if He wanted to, but He'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!"
11. "Well at least you know you can get pregnant."
What's worse? The inability to conceive or the inability to carry a baby? I'm going with the latter, although I've never been on the formers side, again, don't say it.
12. "Miscarriages are very common."They may be common, but so is death. You wouldn't say to someone who's lost their grandfather, "Well, its common when you get old." In other words, the fact that many other women have been through it doesn't make it any easier at the moment.
Oh, I'm sure there are many many more. But those are the ones I could come up with off the top of my head, and they have been bothering me for awhile. not directed at anyone, but as an all around rant.
