Glory Baby

Today we went to Tugman Park, a little Oregon State park down the road. It is slightly overcast today, so not such great lighting for pictures. I am so excited I am going to be getting a camera next week!! Thanks to my step mom! I have feeling getting into photography will be a great outlet for me, especially out here. Its very pretty, and I will have lots of nature to practice on. :)

Here are just a few I got today..

Also, I've decided to get a tattoo eventually (obviously one for Spencer) for our angel babies. I haven't quite decided on WHAT to get, but instead of putting dates or anything, I want the phrase "Glory Babies" underneath whatever image I get. Here is the song it is from. <3

 

"Glory Baby,

You slipped away

As fast as we could say baby.

You were growing, what happened, dear?

You disappeared on us baby.

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe

Until we're home with you

We miss you everyday,

miss you in every way

But we know there's a day when we will hold you,

And you'll kiss our tears away,

when we're home to stay

We can't wait for the day when we will see you,

But baby, let sweet Jesus hold you,

until mom and dad can hold you.

You'll just have heaven before we do.

Sweet little babies,

it's hard to understand it

Cause we are hurting, we are hurting

But there is healing,

and we know we're stronger people

Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good

And God works his purposes

Just like he said he would,

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know."

Its A Rough'un.

Today. Todays rough. I was woken up today by a lady calling from a MOMs group thing at the hospital. Yeah, the ones who do pre-registration for delivery and l&d tours/breast feeding classes. Apparently they never got the memo that I would not be needing their services at the current moment. This one thing, as sympathetic as she was, really set in motion my mood for the remainder of the day. Ugh. Sucker punch. Also my medicine I was prescribed -- the one for "uterine evacuation", I had to pick up the remainder of from a different pharmacy yesterday. Along with it came two pages of reasons for taking the meds. Main one? Highlighted to add insult the injury? "Reasons for this medicine: used to help minimize heavy bleeding after the delivery of a baby." Yeah, I had a baby -- not the full term kind they are implying there though. Plus the curious looks I received from the pharmacist as she glanced from me to my wandering toddler, were clearly followed by the thoughts, "hmm... Wonder where her baby is?" Freaking blows. I'm so sad. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to take a shower (I did, reluctantly), Don't wanna get dressed. Don't want to eat, or I eat too much. Don't want to sleep, but don't want to be woken up or awake. Don't want to be asked questions by well intentioned friends and family. Don't wanna think about it, Don't want to awknowledge those who are pregnant and get to keep all the babies they make, I just don't want to do a thing, But think about how damn unfair this is. One time is bad enough, losing a tube to another, that sucked too, and then this?! Why did I have to see my baby?! Why is each loss 10x worse than the previous?? What's gonna happen next?? Stillborn?? I can't handle that. Right now we are waiting for the carpet people to replace the carpet in the townhouse we are moving into. We were supposed to be moving this weekend -- not happening. I'm sick of waiting for stuff. For answers. Hmph.

"Just find the horizon, I promise you, its not as far as you think."

Today was my obgyn appt. Well, it was supposed to be for May 22, but I spoke to my Dr on Friday and had one set up for sooner. I had to know something sooner than later.
As you know, we lost Baby Bear Saturday night. I was so dreading this appt. I'm not sure why. Maybe the baby wall? Maybe the pregnant patients? Maybe because I had to wait an extra hour for my appt because my Dr had to deliver someone's baby? -- the last one was hard.
His nurse took my blood pressure and was so excited we were there again, asking me how I was feeling and stuff. I then had to tell her what happened and she said she was so sorry she was treating me like this was a normal ob check up. She gave me tissues and a hug. Thankfully, she told Dr. Groth initially so when I had to tell him, it wasn't AS painful.
He came in and looked genuninely upset. He discussed things, and then had to do the lovely metal speculum to "check things out". Some lingering things were removed -- oh so lovely, I know, and then he did the transvaginal ultrasound. Everything "major" had cleared, good and sad. But, not everything SO I was prescribed some medication to induce uterine cramping to get the rest of the "products of conception" out so I could avoid a d&c. I don't want a d&c. I was also prescribed percocet because the first meds were going to cause a lot of cramping and pain. They did.
As for his advice. A string a bad luck? Maybe. Chromosomal abnormalties? Possibly. This happening to a 24 year old more than once? Not so normal. The fact we have a healthy baby? Good sign. Could it be scarring? Maybe. Do we know anything right now? No.. BUT he is taking a proactive approach to it which I am very optimistic about.
I have an appt in 3 weeks, on June 5th, for a follow up to my miscarriage, I will also have a pap done then, whoop whoop. Haha.
Then I call on the first day of sweet Auntie Flo's return to set up an appt for an hsg. Pretty sure its an hsg. Anyway, radioactive dyes and xrays. This way he can see if I have uterine scarring or if my uterus is now suddenly misshapen for whatever reason.
The day we have all of that done, I am having massive amounts of bloodwork done to test for everything under the sun, from every clotting factor, to a folic acid absorption deficiency, to even having my chromosome panel checked. Garrett will also be having his chromosome panel checked. Just to see if we have something that could give us a higher chance of a bad outcome.
If everything is normal - great. I'll chalk it up to bad luck and/or nature just doing its job, as sometimes unfair as it seems. If things aren't normal and can be fixed - okay, we will do that, and fix what we can, however it can be done. If its bad news and its not advised, or we don't have a high chance of carrying another little one to term - okay, I want to know. I just can't go through something like this again. Oh, to physically hurt in so many ways. Its such a physical pain in my heart.
That is my sweet baby -- and the rest of the world, and even friends, didn't even know about that little life. Its so sad its almost not even recognized. No one will ever love them as I do.
Mentioning my sweet baby's little fingers just made the color drain from both doctor and nurse. He even gave a groaning sound. He said that it was also not common to miscarry a baby at 9 weeks along. It happens, obviously, but not often. Something went wrong.
Then he told me to take some time for me, emotionally, and that no matter what anyone says; I DID lose a baby and to not let anyone rob me of feeling those feelings. He said some don't consider that a baby at that point, but it was. He wants to help. I asked for help. Help is what we need right now, and hopefully it gets us some answers.
Thank you, God, for sending me a Dr that will listen to what I have to say, not give me half hearted answers, and one that isn't gonna make me miscarry another precious baby before he helps me. All I can hope for now, as much as this clinic and Dr have been through with us, that he can deliver one of our babies and he can have a picture of our little one to add to that baby wall. <3

"In silence the three of them looked at the sunset and thought about God."

                        Last night around sunset (730p) we went to the beach in front of our house. It was so pretty, warmish (as warm as it could be lol) and SO windy, but not as windy as usual. garrett put the baby in the water as the tide went out. I was afraid the baby would get eaten by a fish :(, or wash back up on shore, but Garrett said it disappeared, so that makes me feel better. The water was ICE cold, so Spencer and I stayed behind on the dry sand. We then let my Mother's Day balloon go, in remembrance of our tiny baby angels, and little Spencer man. Maybe the balloon will head somewhere wonderful. We watched it until it disappeared in the sky.

This picture was taken first, and all of these were taken within 5 minutes.
Pretty blue sky.

 I got a picture of the sun; it wasn't this big in the sky, I don't know why it showed up so huge in my picture. This was shortly after we let go of the balloon. It started to get very windy.

We started walking back up the beach and the wind was picking up and it was getting colder and colder. I turned back around and got this picture. It was weird how fast the sky was changing.

This was how it looked by the parking lot where our car was. In the span of 5 minutes the sky went from cloudless and blue to foggy, heavy and sad. Makes me wonder if we had Someone else sad for us too.

These flowers were everywhere, all up and down the road to the beach. I had to have a picture of these happy little yellow beach wildflowers."The God I believe in does not send us the problem; He gives us the strength to cope with it."   

The song on the way there:

"All we can do is try to rise beyond the question, "Why did this happen?" and begin to ask the question "What do I do now that it has happened?'"  
- Harold Kushner When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Mother's Day -- What it is

Firstly, if you can't handle the hard stuff, the taboo conversations, the bad mental images, don't even read this entry. I mean to not offend, but I can't handle to hear bad opinions most have on the subject.

Mother's Day, do you know what is really is about? Why we have it? What it means? When it started? A blogger I follow explains it as this (I intend not to steal, but she puts it so well in her blog "by the brooke"),

***"At some point--a while back--I happened to come across an article about the history of Mother's Day. Did you know that it emerged as a national holiday in the aftermath of the Civil War? Mother's Day originally wasn't about presents and breakfast in bed. It was about grief, and war, and politics, and feminism. It was an outcry against the pain and horror of the Civil War, from mothers who desperately wanted to ensure that another generation of sons wouldn't be slaughtered on the battlefield. It wasn't really about celebrating mothers, it was about recognizing the heartbreak and sorrow that comes from having your family torn apart.

Here is Julia Ward Howe's Mother's Day Proclamation from 1870:

Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts,
Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."
From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, But of God.
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace."I love that this call goes out not just to women who are actively parenting children, but to "all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be of water or tears!" I guess the nineteenth century knew all too well that motherhood can be a baptism of tears, that not everyone who has a baby gets to bring that baby home. We do this because we are all part of the great human family, and in "in the name of womanhood and humanity" we deserve a day dedicated to taking account of what has been lost and ensuring that we take good care of what has been left. It's a call for women to be proactive, well-informed, agents of their own destinies: "We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies." In a world where so much is out of our control, women are called to come forward, to tell their stories, to leave their mark, to mourn their children. That's more than a Hallmark holiday. It's a Mother's Day with great meaning for all of us, whether our children are living or dead.""****

And so there that is, a day to remember for more reasons than what America has made it to be.

Atop are my sweet orchids from my husband -- I don't know what I would do without him.

Onto my story. Last night I miscarried my baby. I was 9 weeks. I had horrible pains, contraction like pains, I could hardly breathe. I was alone. Garrett was at work. I passed the baby last night. I saw him/her -- my Baby Bear. The perfect tiny fingers and hands, the perfect feet and toes, the ribs, legs, arms, eyes. It was heartbreaking and no one should EVER have to go through that -- especially alone as the day turned to Mother's Day, also the day before I would have given birth to my first miscarried angel baby. I hysterically called Garrett at work, and his higher up let him come home to be with me. We wrapped the baby in tissue paper and put him in a ziplock bag -- I could not flush my child. As much as those claim that wasn't a baby -- He/she WAS. I had Garrett see the baby, not because I made him do so, but I just couldn't stand to be the only one who has that mental image for the rest of my life. As selfish as that sounds. We are going to put the baby to rest in the Pacific Ocean at sunset. The sunsets here, and by any ocean, are beautiful. Plus, all oceans connect somewhere, so no matter where we are moved next, I will have my oceans and my sunsets and in the background my Baby Bear/s. Its fucking unfair.

Twenty-two Months + One Week.

How can that be? Wasn't I just in the hospital with my tiny newborn son? Wasn't he just learning to crawl and to walk? Now he's almost two. Maybe I never realized how quickly time passed before I had a child of my own. Maybe it was slower. The way I see it, having a child really puts a gauge on how much time as passed since the one most important day of your life. The one day that changed how you viewed the whole world forever. They're like our own little hourglass with sand and the time just goes in the blink of an eye. My sweet baby boy. :) What I wouldn't give if I could give you the world. So precious (and a pain in the butt!). I wanted to take time.to write about all the things youve been doing recently. You say mama, daddy, baby, bobo, poopoo, ewwww, uh oh, car (that's your favorite - when all else fails, car is the old faithful.), hair, eyes, nose, mouth, bubble, cheese, milk, elmo, nemo etc. You can point to your eyes, nose, mouth, hair, ears, tummy, butt (lol), feet, hands and your whole head. You love Elmo and Nemo, we have to watch Finding Nemo at least once a day. You love your cars and car tracks. Today you shared two of your wooden cars with me and we took turns putting them on the ramp. You wanted me to teach you to dribble the basketball and you tried really hard. You're a very good sharer. We attempted puzzles again. Instead of throwing them about, you tried to put them in their places and sometimes they didn't go on as quickly as you'd like and you'd get mad, furrow your eyebrows and growl lol. Then you'd hand the pieces to me for help. You still don't eat much. Chicken nuggets, fries, eggs, cereal bars, cheese - only string cheese, mini pancakes, saddles and pretzels seem to be the staple of your diet. Branch out, man! Lol. I'm sorry we don't have much to do here in Oregon, with all the cold and rain but once it warms up, I promise we will be outside more. We won't live here forever. You have the sweetest personality. But you're very opinionated. If something doesn't go your way, you drop to the ground and lay flat and cry, its amusing. You give us hugs and kisses. You love to hug me when we are grocery shopping. You hang onto my neck and say, "Mmmm-M!" Like kids do when they give big hugs. I'll miss those times. You like to do things on your own, don't like help and youre very smart. You don't say much, but you understand and you know what we are saying. I don't want you to ever grow up. You're my special miracle and not a day goes by that I don't know how lucky and blessed I am that you're here, safe, healthy and smart. Despite the hardships we've had recently, ill always count you as my biggest blessing of all.

My Ultrasound Today 7.3 weeks.

Well, it didn't go good -- or bad. Baby is still measuring a couple (4) days smaller than it "should" be, seeing as I KNOW when I ovulated. Making my edd change from 12.15.12 to 12.19.12. The tech said that my dr will probably get a rough estimate on my edd based on my first ultrasound (saying 12.16.12) to my 10 week ultrasound. The woman who did my ultrasound was an extern, or student. I feel as if she basically raped me with the weenie wand and really wasn't too professional. She didn't explain much, and I had to ask three different times the baby's measurements and heart rate.

Oh yea, we HEARD that sweet heart beat!! 115 bpm! Anyway, so far so good.... other than the cramping from being raped today, but, hey, what can ya do when the tech is a newbie and has no idea what she's doing? lol

I'm still not out of the woods, and I don't care so much for the percentage formalities, I always fall into the crappy small BAD percentage, and none of the statistics calm my nerves anymore. Anyway, that's my tiny update. No symptoms really still. Tired, sore boobs at night and I get queasy AFTER I eat, and it doesn't matter what I eat. I am hungry, but too afraid to eat lol. I also check for blood every single time I pee, which is getting old, but I can't help it. Pregnancy isn't as innocent as it once was, and I know too much medically about all that can and has gone wrong. No matter how many times people tell me to relax, that isn't going to happen. It kinda makes me mad to feel as if people are undermining my feelings, but I know its hard for most to understand unless they've lost a baby at any point also.

My next obgyn appt is May 22, please baby, be growing!!!! OH, and according to Ramzi... NOW, its a boy! Do yolk sacs just... move? Or did Dr. Groth suck at getting a picture of the yolk last week?? Who knows, lol. But, I do know, I much prefer my clueless-on-the-ultrasound-machine obgyn to those techs! At least he is personable and lets me see the screen and explains whats going on. I didn't get to see this picture until I got home!

PS: The thought of mayonnaise and vegetables grosses me out -- which is weird because I LOVE veggies (not so much mayo). Finger's crossed!

PPS: We went to Bandon, OR today to this Wildlife Refuge. I held a hideous opposum in a pouch (their whiskers are mighty scraggly up close lol), had a lion cub eat my stroller wheels, goats eat my stroller straps and sweater, a chimpanzee constantly blowing raspberries at us, and a donkey follow us around the entire place, lol. Spencer had fun.

Don't mind my LIP that I burned on a scalding potato lmao -- because only I hurt myself in really stupid ways.