"Hey, I wish I could speak whale."

Why doesn't my blog just cooperate with me?
I want picture left, text right, fight fight fight.
So picture goes left and text goes underneath and centered?
Oh, now its above and right. I give up.
Technology, you win.. again. You aren't worth the headache you cause.

El-Spencerino making his daddy a Father's Day gift.

Nearly completed masterpiece.

Yesterday, since Garrett is at work a majority of our lives,
I decided to help Spencer make his Daddy's Father's Day gift.

These little hands can do so much damage.

I know its early, but hey, it'll be nice and dry by then.
So, there ya have it. Hopefully father dear doesn't check the blog.
In hindsight, he may, but doubtful.

Thoroughly disgusted.

This sweet baby is currently giving me hugs, and waving to himself in a mirror that is on the floor. He keeps slowly sneaking to the computer keyboard or mouse, because you know little fingers can hardly resist the temptation - ok, they can't.

Garrett will be coming home tomorrow morning, earlier than usual. I have my oral surgeon appointment at 10am to get these last two wise-ol teeth out. Oh, of course I am scared. Scared today is my last day of vision and that I will never be able to see again after I regain consciousness after my coma. See for yourself : MTV: True Life: I'm Losing My Sight.

If you see me back here tomorrow: I've survived! Well, unless, of course, I'm totally out of it. Wish me luck! :)

Loon-ie Lake

May 28, 2012

The sunsets here are just gorgeous. No matter how many pictures I take of them, the colors just aren't there like they are when you see them in person. These are my Angel's sunsets.

May 28, 2012

-----------------------------------------

May, 29, 2012

 In my little ready-made garden.
 I've been practicing my photography. Its really nothing special at this point. I really need a macro lens to do what I really want to with it. I'm learning, learning learning.

May 29, 2012

 My Mother's Day orchids from Garrett.

May 10, 2012, and they're still blooming. 17 flowers in all, none have died yet.

We went to Loon Lake, a lake/state park recreation area near our house. Everyone says its always 15 degrees warmer there, and even if it is raining in Winchester Bay, it will be sunny there. It was! So warm! 70 degrees! We have become so used to 45 degrees, we were hot!

May 29, 2012

 He doesn't like my kisses, or taking pictures with me. This is why they are few and far between.

May 29, 2012

 We had a wet butt after this one!

May 29, 2012

 Daddy took this one (obviously)... another failed attempt at pictures with his mother, ha.

May 29, 2012

 Daddy and son. Yes, this is what Oregon looks like -- all over. On a sunny day in Spring.

May 29, 2012

There are VERY few pictures of Garrett and me. We have been married for 1 year and 2 months now. Somehow we always manage to wear the same color shirts. Its really stupid. In my defense, I was dressed first this day. :) <3

May 29, 2012

 This was the day before, just a few random shots I took in the backyard.

May 28, 2012

Now, onto today. This is my new rug that I got (in the mail!) today. It was leaning up against the side of the house when UPS dropped it off. You should have seen me dragging this 10ft long rolled up rug into my house fighting a regular door, a screen door and a two year old. I'm sure it was entertaining to the neighbors.

May 30, 2012

May 29, 2012. Mama and sweet, yet uncooperative, son.

May 30, 2012. Children's imagination. Just what I would have done as a kid. rugs make great cities.

Alas, a decent one! May 29, 2012.

This is just mainly a picture post. We are still waiting to move across the street, its been almost two weeks since we were supposed to have moved. Its been pretty here the past few days, not as much rain and much more sun.

Spencer has been a holy terror on two feet this week. Everything we do sets him into a downward spiral of tears, screaming, crying and hitting/punching things or throwing. Yay. Sometimes he is so sweet, and then Mr. Hyde appears. Its scary! I hope this is a short phase!

He will be two in a few weeks. Hard to believe the time went that fast. Our friend Rachael and her husband Sean just welcomed a baby boy into the world today, Sheldon Daniel. His gender was a surprise! Her oldest son, Kale, is three weeks older than Spencer and will be two on Saturday. Our English friends, Laurel and Dom are due for baby #2 (mark my words, GIRL!) in November. Their oldest daughter, Maisie, is three weeks or so younger than Spencer. They are to marry one day. :) We have decided that when and if we have another baby, we will NOT be finding out the baby's gender. Sorry, y'all. Ha. Its been decided! We just want a baby at this point and do not care which version we get. :)

On another note, Laurel says odd things and we are having a serious problem with communication at the moment. Who knew "going to have a butcher" meant "going to take a look"? Well, not me! Hahah. Silly Englishy-folk! <3 One day we will get over that way to meet them!

On to newer news, possible news. Garrett may be changing his rate. He is currently on the A School list for MST (Marine Science Technician <-- I have the HARDEST time spelling that word.) but the wait list to go is running at almost three and a half years. We don't want to wait that long to leave Oregon. He is thinking about changing his A School to AET (Avionics Electrical Technician), the wait list for that is 18+ months. The one catch is that the school is 5 months long as opposed to MST's being 8 weeks long. The Coast Guard would not pay to move Spencer and I to Elizabeth City, NC (where the school is), so we would have to save to be able to move with him when the time comes. I am looking forward to it.

5 Stages of Grief: Anger

You know, not too many weeks ago I was told by someone who was newly pregnant that she won't be thinking negatively about the pregnancy, because she knew nothing would go wrong. In saying this, she compared (not outwardly or even intentionally) my feelings toward my pregnancy as wrong, unnecessary and that if there was going to be a bad outcome it would essentially be because of the detatchment and realistic (not negative by any means, bad past experiences open your eyes to a new way of seeing - not everything goes your way. It has and COULD happen again.) way that I was approaching the situation. Basically, if I assumed the worst -- thats what I was going to get. That's absolutely ludicrous, in my opinion. It was my way of coping. Of preparing myself for a possible (and obviously true) outcome.

For many years now when I've had a bad feeling or felt a certain way people have told me to let it go, it won't happen, you're just worried. But the whole time in my mind, I knew. I always knew.  I don't want to, when something bad does happen, be like, "See, told ya so.", because who in their right mind wants to be gleeful over something awful? But, from now on, when my heart and mind are telling me, "this isn't right" and I decide to confide in you about it; don't just shrug it off as my being paranoid. This is to no one in particular (though Garrett was the worst about it, I knowwww he was trying to make me feeling better, but now he knows when I know what I know, don't try to be positive without a reason to be, realistic is the way I am and the way I need him to be, at times.)

But, back to my point, this particular person said these things to me, and then I lost my baby. Should I feel thats MY fault? No way. I would be opening a whole other can of worms to bury myself under. Then, sadly, she lost her baby too. Nature doesn't care who you are or how you approach any situation. Disgustingly optimistic or horrifically pessimistic, or sadly realisistic. Nature doesn't care how much money you have, how much love you have to give. But, what I do know that even though I was realistic about it from the beginning, nothing on this planet could have prepared me for the feelings that I felt, and those that still sting.
Its been two weeks and two days. I'm dealing. I feel guilty for my caffeinated coffee, for my wine. I can have my wisdom teeth out without having to worry about the medications. I have momentary lapses of heavy feelings, but I'm doing - okay. In my journey through miscarriage and other pregnancy complications (i.e. my ectopic) I have heard numerous acts of "consolation" that have done nothing but piss me off and hurt my feelings more. Sometimes I think, no, I KNOW, people do not think before they speak. Either that or they just don't know WHAT to say.

These can be misconstrued and well, just don't say them.

1. "Well, they weren't really babies" or "At least it was early on."I had one girl say to me, "Well, to make you feel better, they weren't really babies that early on, more like a mass of cells, like a cyst." Its hurtful and pretty much negating everything that I am feeling. Sure losing a baby early isn't the same as a stillborn in the second or third trimester, but it still hurts and don't try to act like my feelings are irrational.10 fingers and 10 toes tells me differently.

2. Don't make my grief YOUR grief, and don't change my pain into your story.
Just don't.

3. Don't say, "Make the doctor find out what is wrong with you."
Yes, how eloquently spoken. The insensitive person who said the first comment also said the second. Please, for the sake of humanity and people's feelings, THINK before you speak.
5. "Be thankful for the child you have."
I am grateful and appreciate the little miracle I have sleeping the next room over. Does that mean I can't want more children? This usually comes from people who have multiple kids. Does this make them greedy also??

6. Don't tell me, "Maybe you should give your body a rest."
What this says to me, and I know its not the intended meaning, "If you would just wait and give your body time, you wouldn't keep losing babies." i.e "Its your fault." I did everything the dr told me to do. You are not my dr, you don't know, and really, you don't know what I've done. Now, emotionally, yes, my emotions need a break, or I'm going to have a break down.

7. "I'm sure its harder losing babies that you were trying to have."
 Uh, what? So, if my baby was an "oopsie" I just wouldn't care as much?

8. "Everything will be fine next time."
Enough said.

9. "You can always have another!"Babies are not replaceable -- and you don't know that.

10. "Everything happens for a reason" or "It just wasn't meant to be."Sorry, but that is bullshit and that it NOT helpful to me or to anyone who has gone through heartbreaking things. Not to mention, its nice, and cliche, but I don't believe it. The God I believe it doesn't want to hurt us, doesn't teach us through hurting and taking things away from us. Why would I want to praise someone who deliberately hurts us to "bring us closer to Him"? What in the world could I learn from this?
Reminds me of a line from Bruce Almighty, "You know everything happens for a reason." "That is a cliche, that is not helpful to me.. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush. God is a mean kid sitting on a anthill and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in 5 minutes if He wanted to, but He'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm!"

11. "Well at least you know you can get pregnant."
What's worse? The inability to conceive or the inability to carry a baby? I'm going with the latter, although I've never been on the formers side, again, don't say it.

12. "Miscarriages are very common."They may be common, but so is death. You wouldn't say to someone who's lost their grandfather, "Well, its common when you get old." In other words, the fact that many other women have been through it doesn't make it any easier at the moment.

Oh, I'm sure there are many many more. But those are the ones I could come up with off the top of my head, and they have been bothering me for awhile. not directed at anyone, but as an all around rant.

May Flowers

It's kind of odd to think that I could *should* have a two week old baby right now. The one i lost in Sept was due the day after mothers day. Le sigh.

Today we went to Eugene to have my oral surgeon consultation. Had that fab xray. Dr came in, looked in my mouth and said, and i quote, "ah, I see, you're biting the hell out of your cheek. They definitely need to come out." Thank you and thank you, I was aware I've become calloused in the back cheek area due to my cheek being smushed in oddly jutting pointy teeth that do not fit into my mouth lol. So the remaining two teeth shall be removed next Friday. June 1. Follow up with my obgyn, Dr Groth, on June 5, an appt with a psychiatrist June 7 (an oral surgeon follow up at some point) and then a tattoo appt June 17.

I am so excited! First tattoo in over three years. For my angel babies. Three orchids from a picture I took of the orchids Garrett got me for this Mothers Day. On my right arm. With the phrase "glory babies" in there. I wanted something for them, but not something so obvious id be having people ask me anything about it. Something for me and for them.

I was also given a Nikon d3100. I LOVE it. Once I have the usb cable I need -- be prepared for many a photo!!

Glory Baby

Today we went to Tugman Park, a little Oregon State park down the road. It is slightly overcast today, so not such great lighting for pictures. I am so excited I am going to be getting a camera next week!! Thanks to my step mom! I have feeling getting into photography will be a great outlet for me, especially out here. Its very pretty, and I will have lots of nature to practice on. :)

Here are just a few I got today..

Also, I've decided to get a tattoo eventually (obviously one for Spencer) for our angel babies. I haven't quite decided on WHAT to get, but instead of putting dates or anything, I want the phrase "Glory Babies" underneath whatever image I get. Here is the song it is from. <3

 

"Glory Baby,

You slipped away

As fast as we could say baby.

You were growing, what happened, dear?

You disappeared on us baby.

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe

Until we're home with you

We miss you everyday,

miss you in every way

But we know there's a day when we will hold you,

And you'll kiss our tears away,

when we're home to stay

We can't wait for the day when we will see you,

But baby, let sweet Jesus hold you,

until mom and dad can hold you.

You'll just have heaven before we do.

Sweet little babies,

it's hard to understand it

Cause we are hurting, we are hurting

But there is healing,

and we know we're stronger people

Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good

And God works his purposes

Just like he said he would,

I can't imagine Heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know."

Its A Rough'un.

Today. Todays rough. I was woken up today by a lady calling from a MOMs group thing at the hospital. Yeah, the ones who do pre-registration for delivery and l&d tours/breast feeding classes. Apparently they never got the memo that I would not be needing their services at the current moment. This one thing, as sympathetic as she was, really set in motion my mood for the remainder of the day. Ugh. Sucker punch. Also my medicine I was prescribed -- the one for "uterine evacuation", I had to pick up the remainder of from a different pharmacy yesterday. Along with it came two pages of reasons for taking the meds. Main one? Highlighted to add insult the injury? "Reasons for this medicine: used to help minimize heavy bleeding after the delivery of a baby." Yeah, I had a baby -- not the full term kind they are implying there though. Plus the curious looks I received from the pharmacist as she glanced from me to my wandering toddler, were clearly followed by the thoughts, "hmm... Wonder where her baby is?" Freaking blows. I'm so sad. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to take a shower (I did, reluctantly), Don't wanna get dressed. Don't want to eat, or I eat too much. Don't want to sleep, but don't want to be woken up or awake. Don't want to be asked questions by well intentioned friends and family. Don't wanna think about it, Don't want to awknowledge those who are pregnant and get to keep all the babies they make, I just don't want to do a thing, But think about how damn unfair this is. One time is bad enough, losing a tube to another, that sucked too, and then this?! Why did I have to see my baby?! Why is each loss 10x worse than the previous?? What's gonna happen next?? Stillborn?? I can't handle that. Right now we are waiting for the carpet people to replace the carpet in the townhouse we are moving into. We were supposed to be moving this weekend -- not happening. I'm sick of waiting for stuff. For answers. Hmph.

"Just find the horizon, I promise you, its not as far as you think."

Today was my obgyn appt. Well, it was supposed to be for May 22, but I spoke to my Dr on Friday and had one set up for sooner. I had to know something sooner than later.
As you know, we lost Baby Bear Saturday night. I was so dreading this appt. I'm not sure why. Maybe the baby wall? Maybe the pregnant patients? Maybe because I had to wait an extra hour for my appt because my Dr had to deliver someone's baby? -- the last one was hard.
His nurse took my blood pressure and was so excited we were there again, asking me how I was feeling and stuff. I then had to tell her what happened and she said she was so sorry she was treating me like this was a normal ob check up. She gave me tissues and a hug. Thankfully, she told Dr. Groth initially so when I had to tell him, it wasn't AS painful.
He came in and looked genuninely upset. He discussed things, and then had to do the lovely metal speculum to "check things out". Some lingering things were removed -- oh so lovely, I know, and then he did the transvaginal ultrasound. Everything "major" had cleared, good and sad. But, not everything SO I was prescribed some medication to induce uterine cramping to get the rest of the "products of conception" out so I could avoid a d&c. I don't want a d&c. I was also prescribed percocet because the first meds were going to cause a lot of cramping and pain. They did.
As for his advice. A string a bad luck? Maybe. Chromosomal abnormalties? Possibly. This happening to a 24 year old more than once? Not so normal. The fact we have a healthy baby? Good sign. Could it be scarring? Maybe. Do we know anything right now? No.. BUT he is taking a proactive approach to it which I am very optimistic about.
I have an appt in 3 weeks, on June 5th, for a follow up to my miscarriage, I will also have a pap done then, whoop whoop. Haha.
Then I call on the first day of sweet Auntie Flo's return to set up an appt for an hsg. Pretty sure its an hsg. Anyway, radioactive dyes and xrays. This way he can see if I have uterine scarring or if my uterus is now suddenly misshapen for whatever reason.
The day we have all of that done, I am having massive amounts of bloodwork done to test for everything under the sun, from every clotting factor, to a folic acid absorption deficiency, to even having my chromosome panel checked. Garrett will also be having his chromosome panel checked. Just to see if we have something that could give us a higher chance of a bad outcome.
If everything is normal - great. I'll chalk it up to bad luck and/or nature just doing its job, as sometimes unfair as it seems. If things aren't normal and can be fixed - okay, we will do that, and fix what we can, however it can be done. If its bad news and its not advised, or we don't have a high chance of carrying another little one to term - okay, I want to know. I just can't go through something like this again. Oh, to physically hurt in so many ways. Its such a physical pain in my heart.
That is my sweet baby -- and the rest of the world, and even friends, didn't even know about that little life. Its so sad its almost not even recognized. No one will ever love them as I do.
Mentioning my sweet baby's little fingers just made the color drain from both doctor and nurse. He even gave a groaning sound. He said that it was also not common to miscarry a baby at 9 weeks along. It happens, obviously, but not often. Something went wrong.
Then he told me to take some time for me, emotionally, and that no matter what anyone says; I DID lose a baby and to not let anyone rob me of feeling those feelings. He said some don't consider that a baby at that point, but it was. He wants to help. I asked for help. Help is what we need right now, and hopefully it gets us some answers.
Thank you, God, for sending me a Dr that will listen to what I have to say, not give me half hearted answers, and one that isn't gonna make me miscarry another precious baby before he helps me. All I can hope for now, as much as this clinic and Dr have been through with us, that he can deliver one of our babies and he can have a picture of our little one to add to that baby wall. <3

"In silence the three of them looked at the sunset and thought about God."

                        Last night around sunset (730p) we went to the beach in front of our house. It was so pretty, warmish (as warm as it could be lol) and SO windy, but not as windy as usual. garrett put the baby in the water as the tide went out. I was afraid the baby would get eaten by a fish :(, or wash back up on shore, but Garrett said it disappeared, so that makes me feel better. The water was ICE cold, so Spencer and I stayed behind on the dry sand. We then let my Mother's Day balloon go, in remembrance of our tiny baby angels, and little Spencer man. Maybe the balloon will head somewhere wonderful. We watched it until it disappeared in the sky.

This picture was taken first, and all of these were taken within 5 minutes.
Pretty blue sky.

 I got a picture of the sun; it wasn't this big in the sky, I don't know why it showed up so huge in my picture. This was shortly after we let go of the balloon. It started to get very windy.

We started walking back up the beach and the wind was picking up and it was getting colder and colder. I turned back around and got this picture. It was weird how fast the sky was changing.

This was how it looked by the parking lot where our car was. In the span of 5 minutes the sky went from cloudless and blue to foggy, heavy and sad. Makes me wonder if we had Someone else sad for us too.

These flowers were everywhere, all up and down the road to the beach. I had to have a picture of these happy little yellow beach wildflowers."The God I believe in does not send us the problem; He gives us the strength to cope with it."   

The song on the way there:

"All we can do is try to rise beyond the question, "Why did this happen?" and begin to ask the question "What do I do now that it has happened?'"  
- Harold Kushner When Bad Things Happen to Good People

Mother's Day -- What it is

Firstly, if you can't handle the hard stuff, the taboo conversations, the bad mental images, don't even read this entry. I mean to not offend, but I can't handle to hear bad opinions most have on the subject.

Mother's Day, do you know what is really is about? Why we have it? What it means? When it started? A blogger I follow explains it as this (I intend not to steal, but she puts it so well in her blog "by the brooke"),

***"At some point--a while back--I happened to come across an article about the history of Mother's Day. Did you know that it emerged as a national holiday in the aftermath of the Civil War? Mother's Day originally wasn't about presents and breakfast in bed. It was about grief, and war, and politics, and feminism. It was an outcry against the pain and horror of the Civil War, from mothers who desperately wanted to ensure that another generation of sons wouldn't be slaughtered on the battlefield. It wasn't really about celebrating mothers, it was about recognizing the heartbreak and sorrow that comes from having your family torn apart.

Here is Julia Ward Howe's Mother's Day Proclamation from 1870:

Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts,
Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."
From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, But of God.
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace."I love that this call goes out not just to women who are actively parenting children, but to "all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be of water or tears!" I guess the nineteenth century knew all too well that motherhood can be a baptism of tears, that not everyone who has a baby gets to bring that baby home. We do this because we are all part of the great human family, and in "in the name of womanhood and humanity" we deserve a day dedicated to taking account of what has been lost and ensuring that we take good care of what has been left. It's a call for women to be proactive, well-informed, agents of their own destinies: "We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies." In a world where so much is out of our control, women are called to come forward, to tell their stories, to leave their mark, to mourn their children. That's more than a Hallmark holiday. It's a Mother's Day with great meaning for all of us, whether our children are living or dead.""****

And so there that is, a day to remember for more reasons than what America has made it to be.

Atop are my sweet orchids from my husband -- I don't know what I would do without him.

Onto my story. Last night I miscarried my baby. I was 9 weeks. I had horrible pains, contraction like pains, I could hardly breathe. I was alone. Garrett was at work. I passed the baby last night. I saw him/her -- my Baby Bear. The perfect tiny fingers and hands, the perfect feet and toes, the ribs, legs, arms, eyes. It was heartbreaking and no one should EVER have to go through that -- especially alone as the day turned to Mother's Day, also the day before I would have given birth to my first miscarried angel baby. I hysterically called Garrett at work, and his higher up let him come home to be with me. We wrapped the baby in tissue paper and put him in a ziplock bag -- I could not flush my child. As much as those claim that wasn't a baby -- He/she WAS. I had Garrett see the baby, not because I made him do so, but I just couldn't stand to be the only one who has that mental image for the rest of my life. As selfish as that sounds. We are going to put the baby to rest in the Pacific Ocean at sunset. The sunsets here, and by any ocean, are beautiful. Plus, all oceans connect somewhere, so no matter where we are moved next, I will have my oceans and my sunsets and in the background my Baby Bear/s. Its fucking unfair.

Twenty-two Months + One Week.

How can that be? Wasn't I just in the hospital with my tiny newborn son? Wasn't he just learning to crawl and to walk? Now he's almost two. Maybe I never realized how quickly time passed before I had a child of my own. Maybe it was slower. The way I see it, having a child really puts a gauge on how much time as passed since the one most important day of your life. The one day that changed how you viewed the whole world forever. They're like our own little hourglass with sand and the time just goes in the blink of an eye. My sweet baby boy. :) What I wouldn't give if I could give you the world. So precious (and a pain in the butt!). I wanted to take time.to write about all the things youve been doing recently. You say mama, daddy, baby, bobo, poopoo, ewwww, uh oh, car (that's your favorite - when all else fails, car is the old faithful.), hair, eyes, nose, mouth, bubble, cheese, milk, elmo, nemo etc. You can point to your eyes, nose, mouth, hair, ears, tummy, butt (lol), feet, hands and your whole head. You love Elmo and Nemo, we have to watch Finding Nemo at least once a day. You love your cars and car tracks. Today you shared two of your wooden cars with me and we took turns putting them on the ramp. You wanted me to teach you to dribble the basketball and you tried really hard. You're a very good sharer. We attempted puzzles again. Instead of throwing them about, you tried to put them in their places and sometimes they didn't go on as quickly as you'd like and you'd get mad, furrow your eyebrows and growl lol. Then you'd hand the pieces to me for help. You still don't eat much. Chicken nuggets, fries, eggs, cereal bars, cheese - only string cheese, mini pancakes, saddles and pretzels seem to be the staple of your diet. Branch out, man! Lol. I'm sorry we don't have much to do here in Oregon, with all the cold and rain but once it warms up, I promise we will be outside more. We won't live here forever. You have the sweetest personality. But you're very opinionated. If something doesn't go your way, you drop to the ground and lay flat and cry, its amusing. You give us hugs and kisses. You love to hug me when we are grocery shopping. You hang onto my neck and say, "Mmmm-M!" Like kids do when they give big hugs. I'll miss those times. You like to do things on your own, don't like help and youre very smart. You don't say much, but you understand and you know what we are saying. I don't want you to ever grow up. You're my special miracle and not a day goes by that I don't know how lucky and blessed I am that you're here, safe, healthy and smart. Despite the hardships we've had recently, ill always count you as my biggest blessing of all.

My Ultrasound Today 7.3 weeks.

Well, it didn't go good -- or bad. Baby is still measuring a couple (4) days smaller than it "should" be, seeing as I KNOW when I ovulated. Making my edd change from 12.15.12 to 12.19.12. The tech said that my dr will probably get a rough estimate on my edd based on my first ultrasound (saying 12.16.12) to my 10 week ultrasound. The woman who did my ultrasound was an extern, or student. I feel as if she basically raped me with the weenie wand and really wasn't too professional. She didn't explain much, and I had to ask three different times the baby's measurements and heart rate.

Oh yea, we HEARD that sweet heart beat!! 115 bpm! Anyway, so far so good.... other than the cramping from being raped today, but, hey, what can ya do when the tech is a newbie and has no idea what she's doing? lol

I'm still not out of the woods, and I don't care so much for the percentage formalities, I always fall into the crappy small BAD percentage, and none of the statistics calm my nerves anymore. Anyway, that's my tiny update. No symptoms really still. Tired, sore boobs at night and I get queasy AFTER I eat, and it doesn't matter what I eat. I am hungry, but too afraid to eat lol. I also check for blood every single time I pee, which is getting old, but I can't help it. Pregnancy isn't as innocent as it once was, and I know too much medically about all that can and has gone wrong. No matter how many times people tell me to relax, that isn't going to happen. It kinda makes me mad to feel as if people are undermining my feelings, but I know its hard for most to understand unless they've lost a baby at any point also.

My next obgyn appt is May 22, please baby, be growing!!!! OH, and according to Ramzi... NOW, its a boy! Do yolk sacs just... move? Or did Dr. Groth suck at getting a picture of the yolk last week?? Who knows, lol. But, I do know, I much prefer my clueless-on-the-ultrasound-machine obgyn to those techs! At least he is personable and lets me see the screen and explains whats going on. I didn't get to see this picture until I got home!

PS: The thought of mayonnaise and vegetables grosses me out -- which is weird because I LOVE veggies (not so much mayo). Finger's crossed!

PPS: We went to Bandon, OR today to this Wildlife Refuge. I held a hideous opposum in a pouch (their whiskers are mighty scraggly up close lol), had a lion cub eat my stroller wheels, goats eat my stroller straps and sweater, a chimpanzee constantly blowing raspberries at us, and a donkey follow us around the entire place, lol. Spencer had fun.

Don't mind my LIP that I burned on a scalding potato lmao -- because only I hurt myself in really stupid ways.